There are good days and bad days, but I don’t think I ever realized what a “bad day” truly was before this whole “distance-learning” business.
At first, I thought everything was going well because I was staying on top of my assignments, studying for tests, and still keeping in touch with friends.
But at this point, not even halfway through the first semester, it feels like I’ve come to a grinding halt. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way, because all of my friends, studious or not, are going through the same thing.
See, I like to think that I’m above average when it comes to studying. I am the “smart one” in my friend groups, and when a question concerns something academic, my peers usually come to me to ask the question.
That was in the past, before COVID-19. On some days, my concentration is completely shattered, and I end up screen-recording classes to make up on missed work later because, in that moment, I just cannot focus. Sadly, I consider it a good day when I manage to keep up with the lectures and schoolwork. The constant feeling of falling down a downwards spiral is, apparently, evident in all of my friends as well.
I am not used to this feeling of apathy that I now feel towards tests and assignments.
My close friends are very focused on their academics, and whenever we discussed anything academic, it would be a neutral conversation. However, I don’t think the conversations have been as negative as they have been just these past couple of weeks.
“i’ve been taking ‘mental health breaks’ more often but it really just feels like an excuse for me to not do work 🙃”
“bro can the teacher actually teach i don’t want to end up having a breakdown over a worksheet that he didn’t explain”
“why is just doing the bare minimum so hard huh :)⁉⁉”
“what if i’m actually just dumb idk how i’ve been somehow making it through all of my classes up to this point”
“maybe if i don’t turn in this one assignment it won’t matter since it’s only worth five points anyway”
“i’d rather throw myself off something than do this essay”
“i can’t focus right now”
“i don’t want to be here”
“i can’t handle this anymore”
It’s scary, to be honest. I know the overwhelmed, distracted, and exhausted person I see when looking in the mirror isn’t actually me. My peers also probably see a stranger in the mirror because of how much they have changed.
Of course, the teachers aren’t making this any easier. Some teachers seem like they purposely want to make things harder for us by giving us vague instructions but grading strictly, not responding to any emails, etc. Others comment on how tired we look on a daily basis.
We know. We aren’t trying to look tired. We just are.
